| Me: | Hi, ACLU.
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| Caller: | Hi, you take legal cases, right?
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| Me: | Yes, we provide legal assistance for select cases involving civil liberties violations.
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| Caller: | OK. Well, I'm particularly concerned about the, uh, recent Citizens United case in the Supreme Court—the one where they ruled that corporations are people?
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| Me: | Haha, yes, I'm aware of Citizens United.
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| Caller: | This is the thing: I'm not happy about the decision. I believe it involves my civil liberties. So I would like to marry a corporation. And I will be needing some legal assistance with this, and you know—
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| Me: | I'm sorry, if your case does not concern an explicit policy or action that infringed upon your civil liberties, the ACLU can't consider it.
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| Caller: | Ma'am, listen, I don't think you heard me—I would like to marry a corporation.
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| Me: | Oh. Yeah, I just assumed I heard wrong....
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| Me: | Um...well—
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| Caller: | Listen, if corporations are people, I should be able to marry one, correct?
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| Me: | I'm don't think—
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| Caller: | So I'm gonna try to marry a corporation and bring it to the Supreme Court.
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| Me: | No, I understand you sir; I share your concerns about Citizens United, and your plan is pretty clever. But the ACLU cannot help you here; again we consider only cases with direct civil liberties violations. And just so you know, I don't think Citizens United granted all of the rights of citizens to corporations, so it wouldn't be—
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| Caller: | *Sighs* Ma'am, look. When I try to marry the corporation and then explain this to the Supreme Court, they'll be forced to change their decision—
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| Me: | OK, I understand where you're coming from, but I'm sorry, we're unable to help you.
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| Caller: | ...
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| Me: | Can I refer you to the DC Bar Legal Advice and Referral Clinic? |
